Developing a strong sense of self-esteem is essential to a healthy life. 

We can develop effective habits to support self-esteem once we understand the nature of self-esteem.

The definition of self-esteem is a confidence and satisfaction in oneself; a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities. How does that play out in our daily lives?  Most often, we look outside of ourselves for ways to build self-esteem: which runs from success through our jobs, our relationships, our achievements and accomplishments, what others think of us, and even what we own and how we look.

We will look for acceptance on Facebook posts to feel better about ourselves, only to be bullied by someone also looking for acceptance, but does this by putting someone else down.  This is dependent on sources outside of ourselves.  When we have success in the areas of these accomplishments, it builds our self-confidence.

But accomplishments don’t always build self-esteem.  How many times have you achieved something in your life, but it never felt enough?

Some people have an exaggerated sense of self and accomplishments, which often masks as high self-esteem, but is used to hide the low self-esteem within them.  They look for attention, status or notoriety and feel an emptiness inside, which sometimes gets propped up by addictive behaviors with alcohol, drugs, and sex. 

Not everyone with low self-esteem does this, but instead they suffer quietly.

What is healthy self-esteem?

In psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall subjective sense of personal worth or value.  It isn’t based on external achievements, but how you see yourself.

Dr. Neil Burton, psychiatrist and author, feels we are all born with a healthy self-esteem and then our experiences either confirm that or they undermine our sense of self. A loving family will support you, while others will experience overly critical comments from those around them, both of which affect self-esteem.

People with a healthy self-esteem are not as affected by what others say, even when criticized.  They trust themselves and are able to make a decision without the fear it will be the ‘wrong’ one.  They tend to have a positive view of life and are kind to themselves.

We all have that self-talk in our minds that is endlessly giving opinions about what we think and do.  Much of that talk is very negative – “oh that was stupid, why did you do that?”  And the list of what is said to oneself goes on and on. This negative self-talk is often so constant that it goes unnoticed.  But the damage it does to us is not.  It makes us anxious, keeps us from making decisions and there is always doubt about ourselves.

Having a good self-esteem does not mean you will never have doubts.  But the doubts are more about thoughtfully questioning a situation before you act on it, rather than doubting yourself.

Actions to Improve Self-Esteem

Learn to speak to yourself in ways that are kind and interrupt the unkind words you are speaking.  Would you speak to a child with like that?  There is that childlike part of you that needs to be nurtured. As you practice these actions, you will be able to move beyond the disabling self-talk; won’t be stopped from taking positive action; and will grow in the process.

Notice the negative self-talk – These conversations undermine your self-worth. As you begin to notice the unkind ways you speak to yourself, is when you can then change.  Interrupt those words with a word or phrase that becomes a ‘time-out’ signal.

Turn a negative thought into a positive one – Most of these negative thoughts are not the truth about you.  They are old patterns that are still with you.  Stop those in their tracks.  Look at what you could say in a positive way.

Be kind to yourself – Say kind words to yourself, even if you feel you have messed up.  We all mess up from time to time.  No need to be so hard on yourself.  Lighten up.

Forgive yourself – Something may have been said or happened and you berate yourself for it.  This does not change anything, but does make you feel miserable.  Speak forgiving words to yourself and then let it go.

A friend of mine has a funny way of shifting the negative to the positive.  When she has a negative thought such as that was really stupid of me, she notices the thought, and then says, you are so adorable when you do that!

She laughs every time.  It shifts the mood.  It shifts what she says about herself and has her become so much kinder in her self-talk.

Habits that lead to healthy self-esteem

By developing these habits, you will be kinder with yourself and others, smile more often, be positive about life and your thinking, attract healthy relationships and have a self-worth that runs deep within you.  This is the inner source of a healthy self-esteem and with it, brings a happiness and contentment.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201411/the-secret-self-esteem

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-esteem-2795868